To The Fullest

Dulu masa sekolah menengah, aku ambik tuisyen English dengan Sir Chung, student bapak aku. Kebetulan jugak rumah dia dekat je dengan rumah aku, tak sampai 5 minit berjalan (tapi tetap bapak aku hantar dengan kereta takut anjing ligan/kena kidnap/etc hahah). Dia ada satu bilik kat belakang dapur, lengkap dengan meja kerusi, aircond, whiteboard. Kecik je kelas dia, tapi sangat selesa, you feel like home.

Dalam kelas tuisyen tu, aku sorang je budak melayu so selalu duduk sorang sorang tapi depannn sekali (or at least second row). I didn't mingle with the rest of the class sebab tak pandai langsung nak berkawan dengan budak budak yang sekolah satu bangsa. You can call me sombong but whatever tak kisah ahaha. Dorang pun suka duduk dengan orang yang dorang kenal, takkan duduk dengan orang asing, atau dari sekolah lain. No hal je nak belajar sorang sorang, or tak faham bahasa asing yang lain. Dorang kutuk ke apa, apedehal. Janji I did my own work and studied. And I have sir, tu paling penting. I think I was the brightest student he had in that class sebab yang lain just datang nak seronok seronok, even tak fokus dengan ape yang sir ajar. Tanya ape pun, asyik tak tahu hampeh kan. Or maybe because I like English so much walaupun takde expert pun haha. Entah, English language ni fascinating. Romantik pun romantik. Beautiful pun beautiful. Sebab tu aku paling fokus kelas English je. Physics, Chemistry, etc, memang hancur. Hahaha.

Walaupun sir bukan cikgu sekolah yang aku jumpa hari hari, still sir is the best teacher I've ever known, and kindest. Isteri dia yang ajar adik adik aku, pun macam dia. Humble. He speaks softly, dengan cara yang berpelajaran, takde kasar kasar walaupun dia tak suka cara student study dalam kelas dia. Educated people are so different when they treat others, I can totally see that in him because he is so different compared to other Chinese grown-ups I've met.

So something is so so so so wrong with me until I don't even know about his wife's condition.

Petang tadi visit rumah dia sekejap untuk hantar kuih raya, memang itu ritual kitorang setiap tahun pun: pas kuih raya kat jiran jiran. Dia yang bukak pintu, smiling and welcoming his student. Lepas sembang beberapa saat, aku tanya, "sir where's your wife"? Sir sugul je pandang aku, kata "my wife has passed away because of leukemia". Terkejut sungguh aku waktu tu. I know she survived breast cancer, but definitely have no idea that she would succumbed to leukemia! Aku pandang sir macam sir, sir tak gurau kan? Omg what kind of person nak joke benda benda macam ni kan, aku urut dahi bagitau kepala ni don't be ridiculous. Yelah I just met her on the way to work about a month ago, looking healthy, walking happily from pasar, waving though she might thought who on earth is this girl yang hon hon kat dia. So...this is very unexpected.

To be honest, I feel frustrated. At myself. Sebab tak care enough. Sebab tak visit often enough. Sebab tak talk to them more than just passing the kuih raya. He was sad, not embarrassed to show it. But I respect the way he accepts his wife's death. He is so courageous and positive, looking things at the bright side. That at least his wife's sufferings has come to an end.

Our short meeting makes me think about so many things. I reflect back on my life and the people involved. How do people who lose his/her spouse live each day. How do they survive being alone in a home that's supposed to be shared with another half. Nenek aku, tinggal sorang sorang kat kampung tanpa suami anak cucu. Entah apalah dia buat atau fikir setiap masa. Mesti rasa sunyi, rasa kehilangan. Parents aku, camna dorang akan survive kalau kehilangan the other half. Bapak aku selalu discuss hal ni, until I feel no I don't want to hear it. Padahal bila bila pun boleh berlaku, nak deny deny lagi kan. And aku ni haa, camna aku nak hadap hidup tanpa suami tua tua nanti. These things, memang buat sesak dada dan sebak iskkkk.

Sir kata, dia cuma terkilan yang Mrs. Chung tak dapat penuhi hajat untuk prepare wedding anak perempuan dia. This makes me think, we gotta do whatever we want when we have the chance. Even if we don't have the chance, just try our best to find a way to do it. Aku rasa aku belum hidup sebagai manusia sepenuhnya. I am lazy to find opportunities sampaikan rasa ketinggalan dalam hidup ni dan tak capai ape yang aku nak. Guys, I don't even know what I want in life kot coz I refuse to feel that I NEED to be a grown-up. But now seriously I don't want to feel guilty over things that I'm supposed to do but I don't do. That would be so stupid of me.

Seeing sir, mek, and my friends losing their beloved, I feel like I take the people I love for granted. Rasa tak cukup kasih sayang yang aku bagi kat dorang walaupun dorang bagi kasih sayang yang secukupnya. Siap komplen lagi. Tsskkk T.T I care, I do. Just that I don't say it aloud and tindakan kadang kadang opposite dengan ape yang aku rasa (I'm crazy I knowww). Tak tau la bila aku akan mati, atau hilang orang yang aku sayang. So Maryam, please. Don't be a hati batu. Be brave and show your love to them, be affectionate and compassionate enough. You care kat orang tapi orang tak care pasal you, takpe beb. It's not wrong at all. What you feel matters the most. Kalau orang care balik, it's rezeki too so be thankful that such people exist in your life. You tak care pasal orang, because orang tu tak patut di-care. Such people exist too. So ditch them because negative people is not needed here.

Okay, now I know what I wanna do. To live life to the fullest.

To sir, I hope you will keep living a positive life.